IT'S NOT THAT SHE DOESN'T LOVE HER WORK, IT'S MORE THAT SHE HAS A LOT ON HER MIND THAT KEEPS HER MIND AND ENERGY FOCUSED ELSEWHERE. SHE SPENDS A FAIR AMOUNT OF TIME ALONE IN HER OFFICE, JUST THINKING, AND TRYING TO GATHER HER LIFE TOGETHER. IT'S QUIET AND SECLUDED WITH A BEAUTIFUL VIEW THAT GIVES HER TIME TO THINK AND FOCUS. THE WHOLE OFFICE IS SET UP FOR IT. ROOMS JUST FOR MEDIATION AND RELAXATION, OPEN AND AIRY, IT'S ALL A WELCOMING AIR THAT MAKES BEING IN THE OFFICE NOT A DRAG. IT HELPS THAT SHE LOVES WHAT SHE DOES AND IT MAKES HER HAPPY, BUT SOMETHING ENDLESSLY PULLED AND TUGGED AT HER THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. EVEN ON HER BEST DAYS, SHE OFTEN FEELS TIRED.

SOME DAYS, IT'S HARD TO REMEMBER TO BREATHE AND THAT GROWING FEELING IS ENOUGH TO MAKE HER ANGRY, COMBINED WITH ALL OF THE OTHER CRAP IN HER LIFE. TWICE AS HARD, HALF AS MUCH. AND THAT WAS JUST DUE TO BLACKNESS; BEING A WOMAN ON TOP OF THAT JUST ADDED TO THE BURDEN OF TRYING TO GET AHEAD. BUT, SHE'S AMBITIOUS AND GOAL-DRIVEN AND FIGURES SHE GOT THAT FROM HER FATHER. SHE GOT A LOT OF TRAITS FROM HIM, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. THE WORLD DOESN'T STOP JUST BECAUSE LIFE GETS HARD. YOU KEEP PUSHING ON.

TWICE AS HARD, HALF AS MUCH. IT'S A MANTRA SHE'S TOLD HERSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN SO SHE DOESN'T END UP TOO DISMAYED BY THE COMPETITION, BUT ALSO TO MOTIVATE HERSELF TO BE THE ABSOLUTE BEST IN A WAY PEOPLE COULDN'T DENY. TWICE AS HARD, HALF AS MUCH, AND STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOME PEOPLE, BUT SHE PUSHES THROUGH. SHE'S BEEN LUCKY TO HAVE A SOLID INNER CIRCLE OF PEOPLE AND SUPPORT, BUT EVEN TEN YEARS LATER, SHE STILL HAS DOUBTERS AND NAYSAYERS. DOUBTERS IN HER BUSINESS SKILLS, PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T BELIEVE SHE WAS REALLY THE PERSON SHE PORTRAYED HERSELF AS BEING. HER CAREER HAS BEEN ABOUT BETTERING THE LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO JUST WANTED TO ENJOY THE THINGS SHE HAD ALWAYS ENJOYED, TO EXPAND AND INCLUDE THE 'OTHERS'. IT WAS A RADICAL IDEA AT THE TIME, BUT NOW ITS BEEN NORMALIZED. MOSTLY, ANYWAY.

AND THAT'S THE MOTIVATION SHE NEEDS TO KEEP IT GOING MOST DAYS ANYMORE. LIFE HAS BEEN CONFUSING, STRESSFUL, AND HARD TO SAY THE VERY LEAST WHEN HER BRAIN IS CONSTANTLY FIRING IN EVERY DIRECTION WHEN LIFE SEEMS AND FEELS LIKE A BARRAGE OF CONSISTENT CHAOS AND CONFUSION. THERE WERE DAYS SHE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE OR RESPOND TO IT; THOSE WERE THE DAYS SHE REBURIED HERSELF IN HER WORK AND HYPERFOCUSED. IT WAS STILL DIFFICULT FOR HER TO 'DEAL' WITH PEOPLE AND SHE WAS GROWING INCREASINGLY IRRITABLE AND CLOSED-OFF. WHILE SAM HAD SPENT A GOOD PART OF HER ADULT LIFE AVOIDANT OF PEOPLE, PREFERRING CLOSE PERSONAL COMPANY RATHER THAN BEING INVOLVED WITH STRANGERS, THAT FEELING HAD BEEN GROWING MORE INTENSE. SHE HAD MUCH LESS TIME OR PATIENCE FOR MOST PEOPLE AND THINGS AND IT WAS HARD TO NOT LET THOSE FEELINGS SHOW.

BUT SHE IS GROWING ANGRIER AT THE WORLD, MUCH MORE FRUSTRATED, AND SHE'S TRYING HER BEST TO IGNORE IT AND ALL OF THOSE FEELINGS THAT BUBBLE UNDER THE SURFACE, THREATENING TO ESCAPE IN A CASCADE, BUT SHE REFUSES TO LET THEM DO THAT. SHE SWALLOWS THEM DOWN AND PUTS THEM AWAY IN NEAT LITTLE BOXES. IT'S BETTER, SHE THINKS, TO NOT WEAR HER HEART ON HER SLEEVE QUITE AS MUCH AND TO NOT PUT ALL OF HER FEELINGS OUT THERE TO THE WORLD. IT'S AN EASY ROLE TO PLAY, PUTTING ON A FACE WHEN SHE NEEDS TO DO IT AND BEING THE PERSON PEOPLE EXPECT HER TO BE, BUT SHE TUCKS AWAY GENUINE FEELINGS FOR ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER TIME.

IT'S AS IF THE FRUSTRATIONS THAT CAME SIMPLY FROM EXISTING -- AS A BLACK WOMAN WHO WAS, IN FACT, NOT HETEROSEXUAL -- WAS THE THING EVERYTHING ELSE REVOLVED AROUND AND ALL OF THOSE THINGS CAME TOGETHER IN AN INCREDIBLY INTENSE WAY. LIFE WAS MOVING FAR TOO FAST WITH FAR TOO MANY CHANGES FOR HER TO COMFORTABLY PROCESS AND HANDLE THEM. PROFESSIONAL CHANGES, PERSONAL UPHEAVALS, TRYING TO EXIST IN THE MOMENT WHILE THE WORLD WAS FULL SPEED AHEAD. IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HATES CHANGE, SHE'S JUST BAD AT HANDLING IT.

SOMETIMES, IT FEELS AS IF SHE'S FALLING THROUGH THE AIR AND CAN NEVER HIT THE GROUND OR AS IF SHE'S SCREAMING, BUT NO SOUNDS ESCAPE HER LIPS. SHE TRIES TO ACCEPT THE CHANGES AND GO ALONG WITH THEM, BUT SOMETIMES, IT JUST FUCKING HURTS.

THERE'S A VOICE IN HER HEAD SCREAMING AT HER TO BE STRONGER AND BETTER, TO GET THE HELL OVER IT AND MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE. SITTING AROUND MOPING DOES NOTHING FOR ANYONE AND, REALLY, IT'S JUST SAD AND PATHETIC. IT REMINDS HER SHE'S GOTTEN THIS FAR AND SHE DESERVES BETTER AND MORE THAN WHAT SHE'S BEEN GIVING HERSELF. FOR ONCE, IT'S NOT TELLING HER YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, BUT IT'S PUSHING HER TO KNOW SHE IS ENOUGH AND MORE.

SO SHE RUNS HER HAND THROUGH HER HAIR AND TAKES A FEW STEADYING BREATHS; THE ANXIETY SOMETIMES GETS THE BEST OF HER, SHE'S REALIZED, BUT SHE'S TRYING TO GET BETTER ABOUT IT. MORE IN CONTROL. SHE'S NOT -- SHE CAN'T BE -- THAT PERSON ANYMORE. EVEN IF HER BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT'S WILDLY ON FIRE, SHE HAS TO LEARN TO CONTROL IT.

SO SHE PAUSES, AND GLANCES OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN, LETTING OUT A SIGH BEFORE A KNOCK AT THE DOOR CATCHES HER ATTENTION, MAKING HER STRAIGHTEN UP HER BACK, PUT A SMILE ON HER FACE, AND SMOOTH OUT HER CLOTHING.

AS ALWAYS, SHE COULD PUT HER OWN FEELINGS ASIDE AND HANDLE THEM LATER.